do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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