Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
