i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
