I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
