I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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