just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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