why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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