Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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