so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
