ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
