went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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