meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
