What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you win again, gameday.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
