I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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