Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
