I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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