so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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