hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
