I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
