forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
