Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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