i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
