you would pick up someone in the library
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
