Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
