Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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