i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
