did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
