Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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