when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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