I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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