I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
