She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize