hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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