I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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