i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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