Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
