You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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