Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
