I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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