Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
