Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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