Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
