dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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