Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
