I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
