tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize