You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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