Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize