Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize