You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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