i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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