Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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