I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
