While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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