I just saw a hot homeless man
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
