Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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