I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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