i need an iv and a liver transplant
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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