Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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