THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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