There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
