If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My pussy is not your playground.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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