i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
