We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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