I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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