Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
