clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
