no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
