woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
