dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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