So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
